Why's Love so much Pain?
by LittleMissWesker
Summary: Jill and Wesker loved each other. But one day he just left her without saying goodbye. Jill's thoughts about her life with and after him. Songfic!
1. Why's Love so much Pain?

_**Why's love so much pain?**_

_Why is love so much pain?  
Sitting on the roof starring at the stars…_

Here I was sitting again, on the roof of my house, the only place where I could be alone for awhile. I didn't want the companion of someone else. Didn't want my friends near me…

_Thinking to myself how could I have fell for someone so hard…  
When all I was told was lies…_

As I looked up to the bride, dark sky with all the shining stars, I swallowed hard. As beautiful as the sky was, it reminded me of him… Him, sitting on this roof next to me, hugging me tightly, stroking my cheek… And how my heart has beaten quicker, how happy I was to be near him, to kiss him, to tell him how much I loved him. How it has beaten quicker, when he told me he would love me, too. That I would be his everything…

_Now that I think about it, it makes me cry_

I felt tears welling up in my eyes; I felt, how they streamed down my face, how much they burned on my cold skin.

_To know someone I gave my heart to  
Just tore my heart apart_

I've never felt so terrible before. The memory of that moment, when he was breaking my heart, and splitting it, as he left me without a word or an explanation… Just telling me it would be over…

_A love that is endless  
Why did this love have to start_

Now, I'm asking me, why I loved him. What was it that I've loved at him? His handsome face, his cozened words, his lovely voice? Or was it just his presence that has made me feel so good? I didn't know…

_  
Feeling the love I have for you,  
just rushes through my veins…  
Why does love have to be so much pain?_

The only thing I know is that I'm lonely without him, helpless and broken. I am lost. My life doesn't have sense anymore without him being a part of it… As I looked back up at the sky I could see his face, his beautiful and calming smile in the dark. My tears burned even more, the big hole in my chest became bigger. I hugged myself, being afraid that it could tear me.

_Memories no one can take away,  
the pain that I feel each and every day._

It made me scared, that even Chris couldn't help me out of my misery. He was nice and kind, of course, but that wasn't enough… He tried so hard to help me, but one day he ruined it completely… He told me, that he would love me, too… My heart twitched and hurt at those words. They reminded me so much of Albert…

_And it is going to be hard, but I will pull myself through  
a real time that I get over loving you._

Yes, I must admit, that Albert was the one and only for me. I know that no one can replace him; no one can fill the hole inside of me, which was caused by him. But I must try to get over it. I can't let my life passing me by like that; I can't let this misery go on. It's not like I am the only one who's feeling bad. It makes my friends feeling bad, too, seeing me like this. And yes, maybe I won't be able to forget him; maybe I won't forget the moments and the time I spend with him, not even the littlest memory. But that doesn't matter. If I'm just living on, trying my hardest to be happy with Chris and the others, it would be enough for me.

_To know someone I gave my heart to,  
just tore my heart apart.  
A love that is endless.  
Why did this love have to start?  
Feeling the love I have for you,  
just rushes through my veins.  
Why does love have to be so much pain?_

Yes, the pain is dreadfully, terrible, but I'm wounded for so long now… It's been so long, since you left me alone… The pain is getting lower now… But, I know just perfectly that it will never go away completely… It only will, if you would come back… But would you do that? I'm sure you don't want me anymore, you don't love me anymore…

_So much pain ...  
So many nights, so many tears I__'__ve cried…  
No one to be by my side…  
Stuck with misery and pain, you are the one to blame…  
'Cause it hurts to know..._

You will never be by my side again… Maybe I won't even see your wonderful smile and handsome face again… Oh, I wish you would know how many nights I stayed awake, because of all the tears I cried. If you could know how much I'm missing you…

If you could know how much I hate you. I hate you so much for what you did to me… I hate you, your face, and your voice, even the way you walk… …But do you know what I hate the most? What I hate the most is the fact that I can't hate you, not nearly, not even a little, not at all… Not even a single thing about you…

_Why does love have to be so much pain?  
So much pain…  
Oh, so much pain…_

Why can't you tell me? Why can't you tell me the reason for your leaving? Why did your love for me disappear? Or didn't you want to tell me, that you never loved me at all? That you just played with me? I wonder if I will get answers one day… But while I'm still waiting for you to come back… Please be aware of my love for you… Please don't forget, that you'll always be my one and only, my sweet number one…


	2. I'm lonely without you

_**I'm lonely, too, you know?**_

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me…  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out…  
I'm not afraid to cry…_

I'm lying on my bed, looking out of the window, into the rain outside. Tears are welling up in my eyes again. I just let them out; I lost my fear of crying long ago.

_Every once in a while, even though going on with you gone still upsets me…  
There are days…  
Every now and again I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me…_

I'm alone now; nobody will see my tears… My crying for what I did… My thoughts wander back to her, to the nights and days we spend together… To the day I left her, without any explanation, even without a goodbye. I just said it would be over, forever…

_What hurts the most, was being so close.  
And having so much to say.  
And watchin' you walk away._

I still remember her sad face, what an unbelieving expression it had, her tears, how she screamed at me, as she turned round and ran away, so I wouldn't see them. I just thought it would be the best, the best for her safety…

_Never knowing, what could have been.  
And not seein' that lovin' you.  
Is what I was tryin' to do._

What else could I do? She loved me so much… She wouldn't have let me go, she would've grasped my arm, trying to hold me by her side, begging for me to stay. I am sure she now thinks I hate her, wouldn't love her anymore… But, Jill, my dear, I still love you… You're still my number one; you're still my little shining and beautiful jewel… I didn't want you to be hurt by Umbrella… If they would've find out about our relationship, about our love for each other, they sure have killed you… I haven't had another choice… I had to tell you I wouldn't love you anymore…

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go.  
But I'm doin' it.  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone._

I don't regret it; I don't regret the words I said to you… You are safe now. You are free now. You needn't to keep our secrets from STARS anymore… You needn't to fake hatred for me anymore, believe me; I know how hard it was for you, telling Chris and the others you wouldn't like me as your captain, that you wouldn't like me at all… It was even hard for me to fake a dislike for you. I nearly has said "I love you" in front of the others.

I am sure you miss me, but I can't come back… Umbrella would notice… Can you even imagine what they would do to you if they find out? I have to force a smile on my lips when I see my old friends again, force a smile everywhere I go, just to show the others I am okay. But I'm not. I miss you badly…

_Still harder getting' up, getting' dressed, livin' with this regret.  
But I know if I could do it over…  
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken._

But it's even harder for me to live on… Every morning I wake up I see your lovely face, smiling down at me, because the only picture I have from you, my dear, is placed over my bed. Seeing that your bedside is empty and made up… When I'm getting dressed, my closet seems to be so empty, because your clothes are missing… The breakfast table feels uncomfortable, because I'm sitting alone at it, you're missing again… No Jill, who gives me a morning kiss, no Jill who's eating breakfast with me together, no Jill who's talking with me… I miss you so much…

I swear, dearheart, if I would meet you again, I couldn't hold the words back any longer. The words I never told you, the words I've hidden for so long now, deep inside of me… I would tell you everything that left unspoken.

_What hurts the most, was being so close.  
And having so much to say.  
And watchin' you walk away. _

_Never knowing, what could have been.  
And not seein' that lovin' you.  
Is what I was tryin' to do._

I just hope you won't forget me, dear… Please wait for me… Umbrella soon will be finished… And then, my sweetly jewel, I will come back for you… Starting all over again, trying to start a new life with you, living with you together… I promise, I'll make your dream of us having a family together come true one day… I've changed, Jill… Changed a lot… Maybe not from the outside, but from the inside, but my love for you is still the same. I still love you so much... I hope you will accept me, when I come back… I hope you will accept me, even with the virus inside of me…


End file.
